On My Knees

I'm not sure what a blog is or who will see this, it doesn't matter who sees it though, it;s my truth and it is what it is.  Maybe someone else going thru something will see this and have hope and know they are not alone. I might not be doing this right but I'm trying something different and hoping I get better results than the old way of doing things.
Fear. I have learned that it keeps me stuck.  If I'm stuck, I have already failed so the fear of failure can go away and I can get to the work at hand. I have made some mistakes along the way and I need to identify them, correct them and try again. Easy enough I think.  Basics, Melanie. It sounds so basic and I feel stupid just seeing my thoughts in words. I haven't journal-ed for years because I was so afraid what I might see if I actually took it out of my head. I was living in denial about so many things for so long and coming to terms with all that has been a process.  There is something else to though; for the last few years my memory has been wonky.  People who know me just know it's an issue, sometimes it makes us crack up, sometimes it makes me want to cry.  My kids hate it because I forget, repeat and generally drive them crazy but, the other side of the coin is that they defiantly take advantage of the situation.  Could be one of the medications I take, it could be Sarcoid, lets be honest, maybe all the years of Rx abuse has effected my body more than I want to admit.  The doctors say that's probably not true. Some people on the other hand who have no medical education and have never spoken to my Dr's have decided that all my medical issues are my doing. I have to remind myself not to believe them.  I want to write so I remember the good stuff.  There just hasn't been much good stuff for a long time and I forgot what it feels like to be happy and not living in fear and anxiety every day.  The kids haven't had a "normal" childhood for years between my addiction and their dysfunctional parents marriage they don't even know what a normal existence is I don't think.  I think I am over doing it a bit, pushing too fast for the boys because I am so ready to get on with the life I always wanted to have, a happy one, that's the only requirement, the rest is negotiable.... more will be revealed.
This is my story, for my sake.

One of he first things I have done to try to get things back on track is to make family dinners.  It has been hard for a few reasons. First, having the energy, planning my time, getting to the store it is all hard.  I have been physically sick (Sarcoidosis) and depressed for so long, it was just too hard to get back to doing it. The boys have always had food to eat but it was boxed macaroni and cheese or maybe a hot dog and a bowl of chili or spaghetti, something easy, quick.  Since they have been teenagers especially though it has gotten increasingly difficult to please their delicate palates. I would make a dinner and no one eats.  I put it away and they complain they are hungry and need to go to McDonald's a  1/2 hour later.  This or a version similar to it happened enough times that I justified getting an attitude, developed  a serious gripe   (http://www.33daypath.com/day/list-of-gripes)  and got a huge chip on my shoulder. I was wrong, and decided;  I signed up for this Mom job and I am not going to take it personally anymore. I will cook, I am a good cook, when they get hungry enough, they will eat. The other problem is that I am not getting child support or the social security for the boys from their dad. He is in contempt of court and he doesn't know it yet but he will be seeing me in court in about 20 days.  I get $165 in food stamps a month but I spend a good amount of money on food if I want to make quality food consistently enough to show the kids that they don't have to eat fast food.  I have never really taken the time to eat right myself. I really didn't grow up with much attention paid to eating habits or diet. I never exercised and ate what I wanted, until I had babies and gained weight.  Part of the reason is that I have been nauseated for so long. Again, chemo meds, anxiety, I don't know.  I have found a solution for the nausea thru alternative medicine and now it is time to learn to eat again. .
So, I was in the kitchen making a meal for my kids. I was full of pride, happy to be where I was, happy that my kids were home, happy for the sun shine.  I was enjoying a little music from the Pandora app I finally downloaded and figured out how to use with a little blue tooth speaker I got that plays the music from the phone. Yes, I spent a few bucks on myself because music makes me happy and happy is my goal.  So, I'm struggling to eat right but have stared an actual diet ( https://www.omnitrition.com/) I got my grocery list together and managed to get enough food to make good meals for at least a week.  I marinated a flank steak that we all could eat, a pasta salad for just the kids and a big spinach/greens salad for all of us.  What made me feel normal was cooking, I saw a piece of the Cuisinart that I haven't had any reason to use in several years and wondered if maybe I could use it for the veggies in the salad. My first thought was "Hell No", how could all the pieces I need possibly have survived intact, in my kitchen drawer where I can find them now after the last 2 years of the chaos of divorce, and chronic illness. It all seemed very improbable and ultimately disappointing.  I made a quick little choice to just not give in to the voice in my head that told  me to give up.  I had all of the major parts but needed 2 more smaller pieces to use it the way I needed it set up. I actually said a little prayer and opened the drawer. I found one, then the other and literally fell to my knees.  I can't explain it, something clicked and I remembered something there on my knees. “. . . either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?” (4th ed., p. 53 AA's 12 x 12)   and I made a decision.  I decided I am worth it, that I am a great mom who loves her kids who is making the most of a difficult situation.  That I can forgive myself for not being perfect and now that I know better, I do better. The biggest epiphany was to know that for me God is, and that's enough for today.